My whole day was full of them. But in between the tears, I've thought about a lot of things. So right now, with bloodshot eyes and my mind clear, please let me tell you something. What you're about to read, are my deepest thoughts and feelings.
First of all, i'm sorry for all the things I've said. When I cry I can't think clearly, and when I can't think clearly I say things without considerating how they'll make you feel. I just say whatever comes to my mind by that time. After these six months you should now that, probably now you'd be thinking that that's not an excuse, it still does hurt, and you're right. Completely right. That's why i'm sorry. I shouldn't have said them. And you don't know how much I regret them and how bad I wish I was there with you. But I can't, at least not for now. I hate to make you wait, I really hate it, but that seems to be our fate. Have you ever wondered about why I don't believe in God? It's because of things like this. What people tells about that god is that he's supposed to help the good people and punish the bad people. But then I look around, and all seems... upside down. Good people suffers and bad people steals to the good ones and they have whatever they want. And their only hope is that all that suffering will be payed when they go to Heaven. A place that they don't even know if it exists. But I do think that things happen for a reason. Call it coincidence, call it fate. What matters it that certain things happened and they wouldn't have happened if other ones hadn't happened. Also I agree with Akram, maybe we're predestined to meet certain people on our lives and sooner or later we will. You suddenly stopped replying, I wonder if you're asleep, I wonder if you read it and I made you feel terrible and you just decided to leave. I'm really sorry... I hope you can forgive me... again... I'm a terrible person. I don't deserve you. And yet, I don't want you to leave, I don't want this to end, I want to keep trying my best for you. Sometimes it's hard to keep going on with this, but just the thought of losing you scares me to death. Also, I love you so much that I just can't let you go. Because, as you once said "It's a kind of love that makes losing you a punishment worse than death". You might not know it, but those words have stayed written with fire inside of my heart. I will never forget those words. Do you want to know why I couldn't stop crying? Because I was afraid that Tommy (my old guild leader) was right, I didn't want him to be right, and still I refuse to believe his words. Because I was afraid of losing you. Because I was afraid that you might have gotten tired of me. But when I cry, my whole world turns dark, and I can't see things that I see when the tears stop haunting me. And what I saw when I stopped crying after two hours of constant tears and hugging my pillow as hard as I could because I needed a hug real badly was that there were things that I shouldn't have said. One example of them is what Tommy said. Because you made a promise. And I trust you with my life. You said that you'd never lie to me, thats why last night you said that maybe things could change, but you didn't say it for sure because, as you said, you didn't want to lie to me. So even if it seems another thing, i'll just believe you. As another guy who I've been playing with these few days told me (I don't even know his name), "no matter what happens, trust him" and that's what I'll do. I've done it all this time, but I've been so affected by the call thing that I just got blinded. And i'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry for being so clingy too, I've never felt like this before, I've never had a boyfriend, and I don't really know which things I should do. And certainly the distance and the hour difference don't help at all, living forward is harder than I ever thought it would be. So... I just feel like I want to talk to you the whole day and I want to hear your voice too, because it makes me feel like we're not that far. Like it's possible to make this. And when we don't call and don't talk I feel lonely, but you got your life too, you got things to do. It's true that I don't consider playing a game being busy, that's why I was feeling hurted this morning, for me being busy is helping your family, or if you were still working with your dad, or if you went out with your friends. Things like that. But if you say that you miss me too, I'll believe you... I would take a shot for you to save you if I had to. We've always worked things out when they haven't been okay, but what I can't really tell if it's okay or not. Because you change because of me, so maybe i'm making you be someone you aren't, or do things you don't want to do. And I don't think that's good. I want to make you happy... i'm sorry for all the times that I've hurted you and made you feel sad... I don't do it on purpose, I promise... Well, good night my love, sweet dreams, I hope your tooth won't hurt anymore in the morning, and I hope your dreams are filled with a place you can call gome, and that you're surrounded by all your loved ones, I'm sorry for all my mistakes, I'm only human... but one thing is for sure... I love you with all my heart... I hope you can forgive me... I love you...
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